“I discovered I always have choices and sometimes it's only a choice of attitude."
~ Abraham Lincoln ~
I am thinking of a friend today whose parents are moving out of state. She is pretty depressed about it. It reminded me of the time when my Mom moved away when my first child was just six months old. I was very close to my Mother and I was devastated. I was depressed for several months. Over time I began to feel better but it was tough because I really needed her, especially with my new daughter.
It would have been better for me to change how I was feeling about the situation. Instead of focusing on the loss of her living near me, I should have been grateful that she was still around. I spent a lot of time with feelings that didn't help the situation. Did our relationship change? Of course it did. I couldn't just pick up the phone and make plans to have lunch with her. I couldn't just hang out with her. She moved far enough away that it required a plane trip and funds were tight so we didn't get to see each other a lot. The phone was our only way to connect.Any change is loss so you have to go through the grieving process. But try to get through it as quickly as possible. If I had it to do over again, I would try to get to a place of gratefulness sooner. Rather than focusing on the loss, I would focus on being grateful that she was still around, that I could call her if I needed advice. Nothing good comes out of pining away for someone or being resentful that they aren't easily accessible to you. Or any other host of negative feelings you can have about the situation, including feeling sorry for yourself. It robs you of precious moments and opportunities to stay connected.
Make the best out of the situation. Accept it as soon as possible. Use technology like Facebook or better yet Skype so you can stay connected. Put as many systems in place so that you won't feel so separated.
You have many choices to make. Try to make the choices that will keep you in a positive place.
2 comments:
Hey Mom! Careful viewing "any change" as a loss. Not all change is a loss. Some change is good. Change is needed. Look at evolution. Change can lead to a gain that you didn't anticipate.
Someone moving away isn't lost, just further away. Like you said, a phone call away. NOT the same as available for lunch or late night help with a crying baby, but not lost. I don't think you have to grieve every change, depending on the person, that could be a recipe for disaster. Embrace change instead of grieving through it.
Death of a family member or friend, on the other hand, is definately something (as you very well know unfortunately) that has to be accepted. Death is a loss, but who knows for how long? Will we all meet again? Lets hope so.
You raise good points Jai. Maybe I should have defined "loss" better. There are definitely different degrees of loss. I agree with you that change should be embraced but whenever something changes, it usually means the loss of something. The birth of a baby, for example, is a wonderful event. But it means the loss of sleep, personal freedom, etc. Some people embrace this change in a positive way. Others focus on the "loss of" which can spiral out of control and lead to depression (like postpartum).
I think what I was trying to convey is that life is an ever changing experience. When we experience a change that feels like the loss of something, try to reach the point of acceptance as soon as possible and don't stay stuck with negative feelings.
Great commentary (but I would expect nothing less from you!!)
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